Firstly, I wanna talk about how annoying dreams are. So there I am last night, laid in bed and all R.E.M like, and I don't mean the band. In my dream I was at this family reunion shindig number with a semi-balding DJ who brought his own disco lights from 1997, you know the type. Anyway, there was a bingo stand and a progressive jackpot had been running for a number of years and it had racked up to £500,000 shining goldens of the queen. I only went and won it with some geeky kid but then cos it was in my name he wasn't allowed any so I was planning on giving him like 20k or something. No one would be unhappy to receive 20k, you'd have to be mad bro. So I cashed in the cheque they gave me, at a bank, and I shouted in the bank loudly, "CAN I PAY THIS HALF A MILLION POUNDS IN PLEASE." Everyone in the bank was in awe at my regality, which is exactly what I wanted. The cashier for some reason was my old P.E teacher Mr. Broadbent, who hadn't aged since the last time I'd seen him.
What grinds my gears is the fact that I only bought a pink panther statue and a copy of Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) and I can't remember what else I bought. When I woke up I wanted to kill myself. I MEAN WHAT COULD I HAVE BOUGHT!?!? Here are some of the things I could have bought with that kind of money, and would have.
Anyone else had any of these nobheadish dreams?
Jamie was drinking some proper rank drinks today at Gardeners Arms and it proper made me think. I've ranted about this previously right but why do some people drink shit? Jamie bought a pint of Old Rosie cider today and I thought okay well it's cider it can't be too bad. I've had it when I was like 15 before and I don't really remember its taste. I smelt it, and it smelt of absolute 100% GRADE A, Canadian MOOSE PISS!! It was fucking disgusting!!! There is nothing on earth that resembles urine so much, that isn't actually urine. In fact I remember saying to him if I put a pint of piss next to his pint, it would be hard to distinguish. Why would anyone drink something so rank? I hate these fad followers who just drink shit because its different or because every other Tom, Dick and John is having it. If you want a nice drink, have a Kopparburg! I don't give a shit if you think it comes with a vagina, atleast it comes with a nice taste! Have a rum and coke! A Guinness or a tequila and orange! I'd much rather drink those than a pint of fosters. RANK, some beers are alright but some you just wouldn't drink! #fadfollowers. I typed into google, Old Rosie tastes of urine and I didn't really get any results, (I'm sure some people will agree with me), but I did find this, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2115945/I-like-warm-pee--comforting-Meet-woman-drinks-bathes-urine.html - Its about a woman who does everything with her own piss. Weird eh. I wouldn't be caught dead fiddling about with my wee, but that's just me.
My mate who shouldn't really be named because of possible religionist statements said something quite funny today. Its highly controversial, but a woman walked past fully clad, head to toe in some gown and you could just see her eyes. Muslim I gathered. My mate said, "I thought she was going to sell me a droid." I found that well funny. Sorry to anyone who gets offended there... 8-) I'm gonna throw it out there, but I didn't like the fact she was wearing loads of clothes on a sunny day anyway, sometimes religion gets on my nerves and I will voice my opinion. DAFT. Its a semi-warm to hot day. Darts players don't wear slings do they? Chefs don't use blunt knives and Sumo wrestlers don't glue their feet to the floor. Do they really want to wear that get up? I don't know if I'm being naive here but I thought this type of dress was forced upon these women by men who believe a woman should not show anything. Why would a woman like that? Are they forced to? Are they actually because I think that's illegal. It should be. I would never force my wife to wear such an outfit unless she wanted to. If they want to then fine.
Here's a lovely moving picture for you.
Here's another.
Got a shoutout yesterday from Simon Kent who wants to know my opinions on Subway, the fast food chain. To start off with, it annoys me that one of their adverts ages ago said it was healthy. IT AINT healthy, its 7 x worse for you than eating tissue paper I reckon. All the salad isn't even real salad, its dipped in glucose syrup so you come back for more. Its a fast food chain! it ain't good for you. I reckon subway is well bad for you right, and I used to reckon it was because the bread isn't real. I think it kind of must be real now, but I used to think it was artificial. Because where have you seen bread similar to Subway bread? I don't even mind subway sandwiches cos they are quite nice so I'll have one like every two weeks, but its the staff that do my head in! they are all timid little misers with no personality. I apologise to you if you work in subway, but everyone I've ever met thats served me has reeled off the same speech to me. "Toasted with cheese? What salad can I get you?" "Enjoy your sandwich." IT PISSES ME OFF! This automated monotonous robot land we live in. How hard would it be to ask me how my day was going or comment on the weather. Thats what annoys me most about it. ALSO, what is this veggie pattie nonsense? I mean what is it. What actually is it? It looks like roadkill, cut into a rectangle.
I suppose that will be all for today! I've had fun writing a load of absolute shit yet again!
Any questions, queries or suggestions for upcoming blogs will be appreciated! I'll leave you with a quote today.
"What do you call a black man flying a plane? ....
A pilot you absolute racist."
SIGNING OFF - Orbital Newt - TJReily
No comments:
Post a Comment